Char and I are entering into the second most significant collective choice we’ll ever make; it comes a reasonably distant second to having a child, but it’s still a link between us that we are never likely to sever. It commits us to the financial side of the relationship in a way that — in the all-too-human myopia that comes with large changes — seems to overshadow the real basis for the relationship for a time.

A short time, mind you.

I’m really looking forward to this. It’s been stressful, it’s been draining, but we get our keys today (I just talked to the lawyer, the money’s on it’s way to Bob now) and tonight, we move the first of the bits of our lives into the house.

All I can say is, “poor cats!” They’re terrified.

I wrote the first part of this post with something firmly in mind, but for the life of me I can’t recall what that was. It’s worth noting, though, that blogging on an iPhone is not as effective as on a computer. It’s slower, by far, for one, and it’s a pain in the ass to do italics or bold text.

Anyway, house shopping.

Char and I are looking at some places tonight, some of which are just freaking gorgeous. We’ve got some nice neighborhoods picked out, and in general I’m pretty happy with the state of the housing market in Edmonton right now, which I suppose indicates that I’ve got radically lowered standards than I used to have. It’s grotesque, the prices I now consider to be ‘good’ prices for a house.

I hope that we’ll have more good news on this sort of subject soon, because we’d both like to get as little stress as we can out of this.

I’ll try to be more consistent, by the way; I’ve gotten right out of the habit of blogging (like some I could mention) and as a consequence I need to whip myself into posting. Rest assured, I’ve got a lot on my mind.

Update

Wow. What a pain in the ass.

So, I wrote this a week ago, and hit ‘publish’… or thought I did. Nope.

So, in the meantime, we bought a house. Nothing major, there

So, in response to some vigourous prodding last night, I felt it was time to dust this off and get back to keeping people apprised of my life.

Here’s the skinny, since… holy shit! November 6! It’s been almost four weeks!

Since then, I have:

• Travelled to the Dominican Republic (where we were all amiss in not posting to Morruz)
• Dislocated my shoulder… again. That sucked. Worse? I was just playing volleyball in a pool, not even doing anything interesting. Funny thing is, though, when I went to a medical supply store to get some foam to pad the horrid sling I took home with me, the lady running the store told me that my injury seems to be quite common in volleyballers, at least anecdotally.
• Got my performance review at work, for which the term “glowing” might be an understatement.

And you wonder why I don’t post? My life is dull, dull, dull.

It hasn’t even been that interesting of a time, politically. I’ve kept my eyes on the news, but there’s been little out of the ordinary to spark thought or discussion, either north or south of the border.

Um… I’ve read some good books, lately. Is that interesting?

Expect more later. I’m just barely awake, and Char just fed me coffee.

Here’s a bullet-point update on my situation these days:

• I’m biking to work pretty much daily now; it’s about (I’m told) 6km each way, so it’s a bit of exercise I wouldn’t otherwise be getting, and it’s pretty decent exercise. It’s excellent that our workplace has a shower.
• I’m taking class in the morning and working late, which means that anyone that wants to make plans with me has to take into account that I won’t be home until 7:30 or so each weekday. Having said that, I’d love to do evening things with people, so please call any time.
• Work is up & down; I want to work on new things, but old things keep cropping up.
• Char is away this week, and I miss her.
• XBMC is the greatest thing since sliced bread. No AppleTV for me, my new (old) Xbox does everything I would want the aTV to do.
• I’ve read a few books recently, notably “Infidel” by Ayaan Hirsi Ali, which I bought for Char. It’s excellent, and I highly recommend it.
• On Sunday, with the blessings of Lyal and the qualified non-refusal of a shoulder surgeon, I’m going to fly again.

Here’s a capsule summary of the last couple of weeks:

School. Work.

Really, that’s all.

I’ve been trying to exercise a bit more lately, which is probably a good idea. Char’s heavy into the yoga, and she’s had me join her a couple of times, which I have found relatively pleasant, and should probably get into more consistently. I’ve also actually used the gym that comes with our apartment, which is revolutionary in itself, and even more, I’ve actually worked up a sweat by choice. Will wonders never cease?

Uhm…

Well, nothing else.

How are all of you?

I had a conversation recently with a really good friend where they asked me what the point was to a serious monogamous relationship, if sometimes you still crave variety or are not always perfectly happy with what you have. At the time, I didn’t really know how to answer, so all I could say then was that it was a guarantee of safety. Knowing that when I got home, my life wouldn’t have turned to shit while I was out. This is a personal history thing, and obviously it doesn’t apply to everyone, but I was at a bit of a loss as to what else I could say.

Until this week.

It’s funny. I am, beyond a doubt, a very private person at home. I’m comfortable spending hours in front of my computer doing little more than being away from everyone and everything.

But, this week so far, I’m finding that I’m not wanting to come home. The house just isn’t right, and I knew why even on Saturday.

I miss having Char here.

Even if we’re not doing something in the same room, or even if we’re fighting about something, it feels right to know that she’s here, and that — if I wanted to — I could just walk up the stairs and talk to her. This week, though, I haven’t had that comfort, and I can feel a difference.

So, as to how this relates to monogamy and all that other rot…

I have something so good here that even a week of it being gone feels unnatural and empty. This is no more “my’” house than, I imagine, it would be “Hers.” Rather, it’s ours, and so is everything else that I’ve gained in the years Char’s been with me. The idea of trading that in for a string of entertaining, but ultimately unsatisfying ‘partners’… Well, I’d have to be insane.

I think that I’ve failed to accurately convey my feelings here, but I suppose the limit of my wordsmithing has been reached.

(I miss Char, too)

Had a lovely dinner last night w/ Char’s mom and her husband at a nifty little hole in the wall chinese food restaurant.

The rest of the trip is, however, a bit more up in the air, since Char’s plans have been somewhat messed up by… We’ll call them “factors beyond our control,” and leave it at that. Hopefully the wind dies down a bit and we get some sun, or Char’s gonna be crushed. No beach time!

Damn, i’m a lucky guy.

Okay, colour me fourteen shades of enthused about this. It’s not quite the godbox i drool over, but it’s mobile, it’s powerful, it’s colourful, and it’s ours!

If i needed another sign that Char’s the gal for me, the fact that she was as enthusiastic about this as i am was more than enough confirmation for me… Can’t go wrong - geek chick and cute, to boot!

Either that or growing up. Sometimes the difference between the two isn’t all that clear, is it? This isn’t a new thought, admittedly. I’ve gone over this through a couple of other times in my life, but this evening is one of the first times i ever really thought the idea through. It’s funny that a fairly empty retro-comedy would be the spur for this, though…

So, Char and I watched Detroit Rock City tonight. Surprisingly good film, that. Against my expectations, i enjoyed it immensely. After the film was done, though, and i’d tucked Char into bed for the night, i was washing the dishes and thinking back to myself at that pseudo-age. I say pseudo-age because i never really hit that particular stage until about 19 years old. Disaffected, bitter, angsty… All the usual teenager clichés. Late bloomer, i guess.

My thoughts turned to another teen road trip movie. The Doom Generation. I’m sitting there, scrubbing the breadpan that Char cooked us Nachos in, and it struck me that movies, and indeed outlooks, like that no longer really apply to me anymore. I’m past it. When I first saw that film, it neatly captured the hate and hopelessness that i felt was the birthright of anybody that saw the world differently. Now, well, i think back to the contents of the movie, and i feel that i wouldn’t get anything out of it anymore. I’m not the same person as the one who watched and identified with that life.

I’m happier now. I don’t really have the same reasons to be bitter as i used to. I have a woman who loves me, and whom i love. I have a great family. I have some of the best friends a person could ever ask for. I don’t feel a need to escape, or to vent. The poisonous past has, at last, loosed its grip on me, and i’m generally moving on from the mistakes i’ve made.

Oh, it’s not like i’m not angry at the way that the world around me works. People still consistently fail to live up to, if not my expectations, at least my standards. I don’t think that’s ever gonna change. Not while i’m alive, at any rate. But, bit-by-bit, my little slice of the world has become more amenable.

And i’m getting older. Perhaps even wiser. Certainly calmer.

I’ve been trying to figure out why i’m so short-tempered of late. This isn’t a new thing, but i kind of had it brought home to me how serious it was just this morning. I’ve been snappy, touchy, and generally suspicious of the motivations of someone whom i should be implicitly trustful of, and it’s not fair to her. So, now i want to figure out why.

It’s shitty being asked by the one you love why you “hate her all the time” - it kind of brings it into focus, where before i was seeing only my side of the story. I haven’t been there for Char the way i should have been, and i think that’s a big part of the problem now. i know that i’m a bit of a recluse - my favourite place is right where i am - sitting in front of my computers. What i have to adjust to is that there’s now a better use of my time, and treat her accordingly.

So why am i so damn touchy? You people all know me… Help me out. I think i need some advice on this score before i do irreparable damage to the best thing i have in my life. If this is more serious than i’d thought, i may owe more than one person an apology.

I’m sick of being an asshole. I’d really rather stop.

But happy - mostly. Went out last night and saw The Two Towers at ~12:05 AM, which would have been a wiser thing to do if i had only, say, not had to work at 8 this morning, and thus gotten only one hour of sleep. The movie was fscking amazing. I will be the first to admit that it didn’t have the visceral thrill to it that FOTR did, simply because FOTR was unburdened by raised expectations. I fully expect, for myself, that subsequent viewings will, as was the case with the first installment, smooth out the rough spots that i noticed. And, of course, i can’t wait for the extended DVD

The night ended on a bit of a down note, though, which was too bad - i really hate getting in serious scraps with Char, especially ones that lead to the sort of bad feelings spurred by this one. I’m not really gonna go into details, but… Well, it’s not that bad - we’re not breaking up or anything - but it was… unpleasant.